Finding My Way Back

Who am I ? a question that bothered me for years until.........

She asked me to move out of her place. I packed my stuff and went straight to one of my friends for grooming. Little did I know, the chaos that was created in my absence. She was suffering from depression and loneliness. So, it haunted her why I was happy in my life? I was not. I was just keeping myself looking best. haha (fake laugh)

It was January 2023. God listened to prayers and granted me a place where I could turn my dreams into reality. (yaYy)

But before I take you on the journey of moving out, listen to what happened before.

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The Girl on Pills

You read how I was kicked out of the apartment by a friend—aka a student who was suffering bitterly. She was on pills. Her life was a total mess. I won’t go into much detail but just know she was not normal. She wanted a puppet who could listen to her all the time. I was a working lady and every morning I would get ready, wear my best fit to look cool for my students. (haha)

One day, when I was ironing my outfit of the day, she woke up early and came to my room. And started telling her usual restless night story. I was in a hurry. I couldn’t be late. I just nodded but did not pay much attention to her. My small money which I earned after hard work was supposed to be deducted if I reached late. She waved goodbye with casual smile . I was in my own world not knowing what she was up to.

After I came back tired, she said: “I don’t think you can live with me here. So, move out.”

She was expecting a reaction but I got up, packed my stuff and went to my friend’s home-based parlor.

Whatever she did in my absence was the worst. Still, I did not spill her secrets in front of my parents because I think My Lord is enough for everyone to avenge them. I firmly believed in karma back then. Now I just pray for people if they do something bad.

I reached home all groomed. It was night when my mom told me what she had done. I cried like hell. Why?? Why would she do this? I have always been lucky. (haha) I already informed my parents about coming back home. So, everything just turned back at her.

She accused me of so much. So much that if I was the devil I’d have sold her to I dunno… ⎛⎝( ` ᢍ ´ )⎠⎞ᵐᵘʰᵃʰᵃ

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A Piece of Heaven (Or So I Thought)

After that, I moved out again. This time it was a rented apartment. A place where I breathed freely for two years. A place which I made a piece of heaven with the support of family. It had been my dream since I was a little girl.

After living alone for nearly 730 days I realised a lot. I grounded myself for a year. Social connections to the least. No friends’ meetups. Only surrounded by cats and darkness.

“There was a paradoxical situation, when inside I would long for connection but upon meeting people I would run for solitude.”

It was such a complex situation. The weird thing was that even my cat was like me—”Silent.” So, nearly for a year I guess, my neighbors did not know I lived there. I would often ask my family to lock the main door so no one knew I was here.

The question is what I did inside? A good question though. I would try to sleep. I was an insomniac so it was an arduous task.

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The Numb Days

I barely wrote or read. Though I have some written stuff from those two years but it is not much helpful. I have snaps which tell me how hard I tried to stay happy. I would go out on my own. Having lonely dinners in restaurants. Not taking any snaps just to be with my own self. All day and night listening to songs. Songs that helped to amp up depression.

I started to take pills to sleep. It was getting worse. Dosage was tripling and my mind was going numb.

It is not that my life was completely static. I would still go out with siblings. Go out to buy myself stuff and food. In the morning, if I was not at work I would always lay down like a corpse to see if I could slumber like a normal human. People who were with me at that time told me how toxic I had become. And I thought I was the victim. Though I was in so many ways but toxicity is worse.〜⁠(⁠꒪⁠꒳⁠꒪⁠)⁠〜

I had put an end to dedicated crafting and journaling. It was my main and I abandoned it. My place was at ground floor. I often didn’t know if it was day or night. No window to look outside and enjoy the view. When it rained, I couldn’t enjoy and go outside because there were strangers only. Being a girl, I was supposed to be conscious. Always afraid of what if something happens.

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When Nothing Works

Someone once said: “There is life beyond flats and apartments.”

I did not believe in it. Was I really hopeless? No. I tried to move to another city and failed. So, I came back to the place where I lived. I tried so many things to make life better including all stuff you can imagine. Nothing worked. Telling people about it felt like a joke. The people who knew me pitied it and I hated that.

This is not all and I cannot tell in few words the whole story but I had lost my true identity. I only used God when I needed Him otherwise He didn’t exist in my life. Occasionally, my female friends heard from me. I started to feel myself a burden upon them so I lessened my complaints about life. My male companions suggested so many things just to change how I felt. Nothing worked. Nothing.

“So many people loved me so much in those years. I was liked by thousands but I never felt loved.”

I missed out on so much just because I was running away from life. I was hiding yet I was being exposed. I had distorted my true identity. I am glad I did not lose myself in that journey.

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How I Ditched the Darkness

This year, I ditched depression and anxiety. I am not an insomniac anymore. Here is a thing: I am content and peaceful now. My mind is not messy like before.

To cope up with this contagious thing, I stopped listening to music. It messes up with your mind in so many ways you can’t even imagine. No explicit songs or sad music. Only nasheeds or motivational but limited. Limited because no matter what you say, music is after all a distraction. It is if you realize it. Be it good or bad. I am not against it but if I need focus I need to ditch distractions.

Next, I am so happy to tell I literally minimised the time on social media. Got rid of TikTok. The more I am on it the more I will fall for traps. You might say it is needed for motivation. I think you can be motivated by so many other things. I use social media—it doesn’t use me anymore. It is such a good step I cannot even tell you how much happy I am. Here is a thing: I didn’t delete all my socials. I took control of my time.

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Returning to the Foundation

Another thing I did was returning to the foundation. I am nothing without my Lord. He is everything. Now, I can’t even imagine my life without Him. I am relearning all stuff. I cannot call myself religious but I am spiritual. The way this world is turning more materialistic, no matter which religion you belong to please stay true to your foundation and belief system. Seek truth and take good things from this world.

Here comes the magic part: I became regular in what I love to do. It is journaling. It is one of the things that can give you clarity and a path to live a good life. I was doubting myself a lot lately. When I turned back to journaling and read my past stuff, I wondered that a lot of things I was doing were good too. Not all the time I was a demon. It can literally educate you a lot on yourself.

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Finally,

I guess, I talked a lot today. Keeping some stuff for another time.

My last and final words are: Be disgustingly involved in improving yourself that you don’t have time to hurt others. You still will hurt others knowingly or unknowingly but at least you will realize sooner. The thing is most often we are ignorant of our own selves. It is worse than you can ever imagine.

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Take care of your body, soul and mind.ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

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